Why Are Black Women Afraid To Need A Man?

I haven't even began writing anything and I can feel the darts being thrown my way, the neck rolls and the WTFs being thrown at me. And, why is that? It's because the idea, the notion, of a black woman, especially one who is beautiful, educated and got it going on needing a man is preposterous  by all accounts. Look at the picture for example, it depicts a beautiful sister who is poised and clearly educated. It's written all over her face that she doesn't "need a man" but it would be nice to have one. Her statements are contradictory. Now, I get that's a matter of opinion, but the fact remains that most black women (at least the ones I've encountered in my generation) feel this way. But is it right? Who taught us we don't need men? Is it our degrees? Yes, I have two degrees and about to have a third, but those degrees are not my soulmate. Those degrees don't protect me, love me, hold me and treat me like a queen. We as black women, have allowed society to trick us into believing we should and can do everything all on our own. We have fallen into the trap of keeping a good, black man out of the home and our lives because "we don't need a man."

But, what does the Bible say? I'll admit, I've been struggling with the area of submission in my relationship. Mostly because I thought that as long as I cooked, cleaned and never smelled like onion rings, that I was meeting my partner's needs. Boy, was I wrong. I also thought, as long as I was a good girl in public he'd appreciate that as well and know that I was submissive because I knew how to act in the presence of family and friends. But, what about when he says "I don't want you to do this, and I need this from you." (Inserts thinking emoji). But, wait. No, buts about it. A good friend of mine told me, you can't be a power couple, if you are struggling with the source of power. And, he is right. I know I haven't answered my own question about what the Bible says, but I'm getting to that. (Be patient with me). It's okay to not know something. We don't know everything. However, you must be teachable and reachable. We (black women) must be willing to shift our paradigm to accept the blessing we prayed for. That's if you truly want it. I'll admit (because you know how much I love transparency, well you know if you follow my blog) it was hard for me to shift my paradigm from being an independent, single, black woman, to the totally submissive woman my partner needs and deserve. After all, it had been embedded in me for years that an independent woman was a strong woman.  I should desire a man, not need one. And spending years as a single parent doing everything on my own aided and abetted that thinking. It's also the reason why so many good, black women are single and a part of the reason the divorce rates are high. My 16 year old daughter tells me all the time that I'm beautiful, educated and I don't need a man. At this point I'm scared to correct her because I don't want her to think she needs a man before she completes high school. However, I'm going to have an honest conversation with her soon regarding why, we as black women need to change the way we think regarding relationships. Our daughters think as we think and do as we do regarding relationships.

Now, getting to what the Bible says... "you wives ought to submit to your husbands in EVERYTHING. I purposely capitalized everything because it stuck out to me as plain as day when I was reading it. God never half does anything. He didn't want there to be any ambiguity regarding the level of submission a wife should be on. Some people will look at that scripture and consider it to be subjective, however, submission is a critical part of a serious relationship/marriage. But, we'll never get there if we don't need our mate.

I can go on and on, and I'll do a part two to this blog on another date, but for now, I hope it helps someone.

I Wish I Had Never Had Sex

I know some of you looked at the title and was like what in the world is this chic talking about, she wish she'd never had sex. And, I'm cool with that. I understand that sex is a very real and important part of human nature. After all, it is at the very bottom on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs chart alongside breathing and food. So, I get that it is pretty important. In actuality, I don't wish I had never had sex. I am a mom of four beautiful girls and one beautiful granddaughter. And, I would never have had any of them if I were still a virgin. However, do I wish I had waited a lot longer? Most definitely.

I recently participated in a podcast with Jay Mayo, the host of Right to R.E.A.L. Love and the title was the same as this blog post. In the podcast, I talked about the pain and dissatisfaction that had come as a result of unwise sexual experiences. I described to Jay the desire to be loved and to feel love.  I thought seeking comfort in the arms of a man would make me feel pretty, make me feel wanted and/or at least make the hurt of rejection I felt from my biological dad go away. However, I was wrong. All of those bad feelings were compounded because I didn't know what I know now. First of all, I didn't know the love of God and I didn't know how to love myself. I also told Jay that the vagina is the greatest source of pleasure, and also the greatest source of pain for women. Naturally, he wanted me to expound on that comment. I will also do the same for you all. Physical intimacy can be a very beautiful experience. Two people who are in love wholly, totally, and deeply coming together to express their love with this act that God intended for husband and wife can be amazing. The vagina is also the gateway for humans to born into this world. Now, on the flip side; the greatest source of pain part; we have shared the most sacred part of ourselves with someone who may not remember our names the next day, may not want to remember our names, or they are not ready to commit to us the way we absolutely want them to. And for some women, what will they do? They will keep on sharing their bodies with this undeserving man with the hopes that he will change his mind one day.

I met an older guy when I was 18 years old on Mardi Gras Day. He was the cousin of my best friend. I was hanging out with her family for the day. We all had a good time. The guy and I exchanged numbers. He actually was living out of town at the time. Fast forward a month or so later. He comes back in town. I was so excited to see him again. I put on the best outfit I had. I couldn't wait for him to pick me up. I'm thinking we are going out to dinner, and perhaps do something fun like walk in the French Quarters. Imagine how I felt when he picked me up and we went straight to a hotel room. We never discussed going to one, and honestly (even though it was many moons ago) I don't remember us discussing having sex. I didn't object, I didn't say one word against being there. Because in my mind, I thought he really liked me and we were a couple. So, I stayed the night with him. And, we did become a long distance couple. But that relationship brought me a lot of heartache and pain. Looking back, as I think about this story from time to time,  and how I set myself up for that pain . I was an 18 year old girl smitten with a 27 year old guy.

I wasn't sure if I would include that story into this post. I didn't discuss it on the podcast. But, I hope that maybe it will help someone, perhaps another young girl make better choices. I'm not nearly the emotional, insecure, unsure of herself, low-self esteem having person I was years ago. I don't want to come across like I'm Mother Theresa either. I've had my share of mistakes even in adulthood when it comes to sex. However, I'm at a place in my life where, I don't want to feel the pain that has resulted in some prior sexual experiences. My prayer is that I continue to wait on God to send me a husband whom I can share my total self with; mind, body and soul. I pray that we all make wise choices when it comes to physical intimacy. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.

To hear me go into depth on this subject, listen to my podcast with Jay Mayo by clicking the link below.

I Wish I Had Never Had Sex  

Life Lessons from a Macanista: The Real on Being a Teenage Mother

Congratulations! You're going to be a mommy! It sounds so exciting and sweet, doesn't it? Or maybe it doesn't when you're still in high school, or just started college, you either don't have a job or the one you have only pays for your weave, your club entrance fees and your bi-weekly outfit that's on sale at Rainbow. Now some of you may say ouch Tasha Mac, why are you going in like that with this blog? That's because it's time that someone broke down the real deal when it comes to being a teenage mother. Yes, babies are sweet, innocent, precious and they are gifts from God. I truly believe all that. However, babies aren't an ornament that you get to look at and admire, leave on the shelf and say I may buy it later. Babies are living, breathing, human beings that require a lot of financial resources, time and parents who are physically, mentally and emotionally stable to meet their needs 24 hours a day. If you haven't picked it up by now, I know a thing or two, or three when it comes to teenage pregnancy. I am a byproduct and a recipient of it. And if that doesn't convince you that I know something about it, my 19 year old daughter will be giving birth to her daughter any day now. I'm not writing this blog to air my dirty laundry, embarrass my daughter or look for sympathy. What's done is done. However, it's time out for sugar coating, and for girls believing that it can't happen to them and/or their boyfriends love them so well and will stick by their side when the bun starts rising in the oven. I'm not boy-bashing with this blog either. I want young ladies to be quick to open their eyes instead of their legs.

You're pregnant now. What is your plan? Yes, I said your plan. Please don't start off by thinking.... "we're going to get an apartment, I'm going to finish school and get a job." And my personal favorite, we're getting married after high school. It all sounds so laughable to me. Those words flew out of my mouth and so many others' mouths that I know. Like it's just that simple. Let me tell you what's really going to happen...

First of all you are going to be an EMOTIONAL WRECK. You are too young to fully comprehend and process what has happened. What you have allowed yourself to get into. Your mind will flip-flop and you will not make any sound decisions. Trust me I know. If you are with the guy, you will be more concerned about the effects this pregnancy will have on your so-called relationship than what effects it will have on your life, the unborn child or your family who will ultimately be the ones emotionally, mentally and most of all financially supporting you and your child. I know you have heard many success stories about teenage mothers who "made it." Those who "rose above the adversity" went on to earn four degrees, rescued orphans in Haiti, taught a village how to read and write and made pancake breakfasts for underprivileged children on the weekends. And believe me, I'm not discounting anyone's personal triumphs or achievements. The truth of the matter is, I've earned a college degree, have a great job and I'm working on my Master's degree. However, where is the in between in these stories. People talk about the glory without giving you the WHOLE story. No one talks about what all they went through before they got to the promised land of teenage parent after life. And let me give you some more harsh reality. The life of being a teenage mother has a lot of life-long, lingering emotional effects on the teen mother and her children. While you may one day be financially stable, emotional scars are a lot harder to hide and sometimes take even longer to heal.

Single mothers, especially teenage single mothers have to deal with disappointment from family members and often times themselves. And that load can be heavier to carry than the baby growing inside of them. Teenage mothers often don't have money. Especially during the pregnancy, so they constantly have to ask or hope someone has pity on them to give them something or buy them food to satisfy those pregnancy cravings. Meanwhile, oh yes, where is Mr. Loverman, the baby's daddy himself? One day he's with you, the next day he's wishing you would have had that abortion. Because he isn't ready for this life-altering reality. But you're thinking, he's a good guy, he comes from a good home, or he didn't have a father so he wouldn't do that to our child. Honey, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard it or even said it myself, I promise I wouldn't be ironing clothes for work tomorrow. I'd be telling my driver what time to pick me up to drop me off at my yacht. The hard truth is, he isn't carrying the kid, he will not be there for the every two hour feedings, he will not make the decision between shoes for the baby or buying toothpaste for the house. And what about the strain this will have on your family. Even if your family can financially support you and the baby with ease, their life is altered as well. All of a sudden a baby is coming into the home. You have to get to your doctor's appointments, you need care and support. And they are your family so no matter how they feel about what you've done they will be there. But is that fair? No, but we all know life isn't fair. Families do what they must to take care of their own. But trust me, you won't feel good about it. You know you need them and what you've done has not only affected you but them also.

What should you do? PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE. I know young people are going to have sex. I wish everyone would wait until they are married and able. However, I would be stupid and foolish to tell you to practice abstinence and be done with it. You won't have to worry about pregnancy or diseases if you just don't do it. Let's be real here. Your hormones are all over the place and the more your parents and pastors tell you not to do it the more you will. So with that being said, protect yourselves. Birth control, condoms, shots, whatever it takes for you not to have to put yourself through all of the drama I've been talking about. Birth control isn't hard to get. Educate yourself. Talk to someone. Listen this is 2014. We as adults know teenagers are having more sex than they do at the playboy mansion. Let someone know you are trying to be proactive when it comes to your sexual health before you are having a different conversation discussing your due date.


*****Disclaimer*****
This blog is not intended to promote abortion or scare anyone into harming an unborn or living child in ANY WAY , SHAPE, FORM OR FASHION. This blog is only meant to educate and provide information based on my experiences. If  you or someone you know is pregnant, please do not resort to heinous, criminal and inhumane acts to undo a pregnancy. There are plenty of organizations that can and will provide guidance and direction if you are in need of help. 

Am I my Brother's Keeper?

My holiday weekend began last Wednesday. I did something I hadn't done in a very long time which was watch a Lifetime movie. Like most women, I am a Lifetime Movie Network lover. If you know anything about the movies on Lifetime then you know for the most part the movies are based on real life events. I came across the movie " Conviction" starring Hilary Swank. Conviction is the real life story of Betty Anne Waters and her brother Kenny Waters. Kenny was wrongfully convicted ( conviction overturned in 2001) in 1983 for the brutal murder of Katharina Brow in 1980. The real story is the selflessness, dedication, loyalty, faith and courage of Betty Anne. Betty Anne was 29 years old when her brother was arrested and convicted. She was married with two, young boys with only a high school equivalent education when she decided to go to college and eventually law school to become her brother's lawyer and exonerate him for a murder she was sure he didn't commit. Betty Anne's husband didn't support her decision so they split up and her sons grew weary of her not being around as she attended school and worked on her brother's case and they eventually went to live with their father. 

I'm watching this movie and I'm thinking the whole time, this woman has given up everything, her entire life to fight for her brother who may or may not be innocent. It didn't matter what anyone else believed, or said about him or how many times he had been in trouble in the past. What mattered was that she believed in him. I had to wonder if I would have done the same for any of my three brothers, or would anyone I know have done the same for theirs? This woman fought for 18 years to clear her brother and finally in June 2001 Kenny Waters walked out of prison a free man. 

I often think about the relationship my girls will have with one another when they are grown women, with careers and families. Will they talk consistently? Will they always be there for one another? Despite the issues I may have with them being their mother and trying to keep them on the straight and narrow, one thing I can say is they do love each other and they do support each other. They are always defending each other and helping each other with school projects and homework. I always see them talking , ( probably about me) laughing, playing games and watching TV together. It gives me hope that I'm doing something right. However, it isn't like that for a lot of families. I'm not suggesting anyone who has a sibling accused of murder give up their lives, switch careers to become a lawyer and fight to prove their innocence. However, a sibling should be, if not, as close as a best friend to you. Who else can understand when you're pissed off at your parents for not letting you go out after you've brought home a D on a test? It breaks my heart when a parent passes away and siblings start fighting over money and Kmart China before their parent's remains are in the ground. 

I know most of you probably only know the phrase "Am I my brother's keeper" from the movie New Jack City. Being your brother's keeper means they can call you to talk, if they are in need and you can help then you will, it means spending time together and looking out for one another's kids and so much more. My guy and his brother have one of the best sibling relationships I've ever seen. His brother is six years older and lives out of town. However, whenever his brother comes home they are like glue. And when they join forces with their father it's laughs, stories and more importantly lots of love in the room. They also talk consistently checking on one another throughout the week. Your relationships with your siblings are among the very first relationships you will have and develop. It's a foundation for having healthy relationships in romance, with co-workers, friends and in-laws. Are you your brother's keeper?

Can Football Help or Hurt My Relationship?

Well it's that time of year again; pass the pigskin, grind on the gridiron. Football season has officially begun across the country. This can be a great time of year for couples who both love and appreciate the sport. There are many events and activities couples can participate in together to enjoy this great sport such as attending games together, watching games on TV, participating in online fantasy leagues, tailgating and of course engaging in conversation. For women, having a significant other or husband who's a football fanatic can be enhancing or horrifying depending on your level of interest.

 I am a southern girl so football was embedded in me at an early age. I have very fond memories of watching the games with my daddy. When I was really young, we had one TV and from August to the end of January ( back in the days when the Superbowl was at the end of January) our TV was on football. Personally, I love the sport. But that doesn't mean I want to live, eat, sleep and breathe the game. I know everyone is not into football. And I can't imagine why. But ladies if you'd rather be scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush than engage in football activities that doesn't make you a bad person. And you can survive the season, keep your sanity and your man's attention all at the same time. I have a list of Do's and Don'ts that will keep you winning this season:

DON'T:  Schedule events, outings or give him errands to run during game time. Ladies this is a big no, no. Don't play those " I wanna see if he loves me or football more games." First of all, you're an adult and should be in an adult relationship or marriage, so leave the game playing up to the professionals on the field. Secondly, your man has loved football long before he ever knew you existed. Don't try to come in between him and his enjoyment of the game. Football is way more than just a game for die-hard fans. 

DO: Make his favorite snacks. We all know men love food. And eating their faves while watching football is like cake and ice-cream or peanut butter and jelly. Sit down and watch with him. Now I know some of you are saying ( I knew she would say that.) Hear me out. You don't have to watch an entire game with him, but at least watch one quarter with him. He will appreciate your effort and attempt to participate in one of his favorite activities. And if the thought of watching any part of the game makes your insides hurt, then think about that wedding you dragged him to that he attended because of his love for you, or the family outing he attended out of town that he'd much rather had not. Relationships are comprise, sacrifice, consistency and selflessness. So get over yourself and watch a few minutes with him. During the commercials ask him a couple of questions and smile lovingly at his extensive knowledge of the sport. 

DON'T: Social network about him ignoring you during the games or how much you hate the sport. First of all you shouldn't post on social network about the troubles or not so good moments in your relationship anyway. But that's another blog for another day. Negativity brings contention and resentment to a relationship and you putting your negativity on social networking sites are childish and will probably bring up a conversation you could have avoided and don't want to have.  

DO: Find something to do while he's participating in sports activities. If he's out with friends watching a game or at a sporting event this is a great time for you to do something you enjoy. Instead of focusing on this is the 3rd game he's watched today, you could be catching up on some of your favorite shows, making phone calls to friends and family you don't talk to often, spending time with the kids or something else that is of your interest. To score extra points with your honey, if he's out text him and ask if he's having a good time or go in the living room and ask him if he needs anything. These small gestures go along way. 

So ladies, follow these do's and don'ts and you will score every time. 

Dear Mr. Black Man

Dear Mr. Black man, whoever she is/was that played you, cursed you out, won't allow you to see your kids, slept with your best friend, refused to cook for you, belittled you in front of your family, and made you feel less than a man, it wasn't me. I wasn't the one who slashed your tires, played with your heart, took your kindness for weakness or forgot to stroke your ego after a long day's work. I didn't kick you when you were down. Why are you punishing me for what she did? Why must I feel your wrath when all I want to do is love you, nurture you,encourage you, lift you up, help you , have your back,  hold you and make you feel like the king that you so rightfully are?

I know some of you are like, Tasha Mac what's really going on? Nothing is going on with me personally, however, I feel as though I must address you ( and by you I am talking to Mr. Black man) because I for one as a black woman am tired of being labeled as trifling, ratchet, mischevious, gold digging, stupid all because you fell for the charms and schemes of one who was all the adjectives I aforementioned and then some. We as black women understand that some of you are drawn to women of other races and cultures. It's 2013 we get it, trust me we do. But what we don't get is why you all are using us a scapegoat behind your reasons for doing it?

Recently someone dear to me brought an article to my attention of my favorite singer Maxwell basically cursing people out because he was being attacked for posting mostly pictures of Caucasian women on his Instagram page. He plainly said ( and I'm paraphrasing here) he didn't give a blankedy, blank blank because he prefers white women. Now keep in mind I did say he is my favorite singer. Whenever I hear him sing, I really think he's singing to me. LOL... And we also share the same birthday. How cool is that? So, yes I was a little disappointed to hear his quote that he prefered Caucasian women. He is still my favorite singer and I adore him as such. His preference is just that. His preference. And tonight one of my ex-twitter followers ( he is ex now because he was just plain rude and disrespectful) tweeted "black women are so dysfunctional. I tipped a hostess at the door and she thought I was hitting on her. WTF." So I tweeted him back and said don't label us all over one ratched lady. OMG, why did I say that because dude said he didn't say all , and I can't think logically and it's because I'm a stupid black woman. Now I really had to stop after about the 2nd time tweeting him because otherwise he and I would probably still be going back and forth and I have better things to tweet. But my point is black women as a whole have to feel the wrath, pain and anquish of a black man caused by one woman. And I say one woman because after they get burned by the first one it's all over for the rest of us.

As a black woman, the things I have dealt with from black men are so hurtful and would probably be considered inconceivable to most. However, I refused in my logical and sound mind believe that ALL of you were that way. I just refused. And I'm so glad I never developed that attitude or I wouldn't be dating the great guy I'm with now. Labels belong on envelopes not on human beings.