Friday, December 1, 2017

Why Are Black Women Afraid To Need A Man?

I haven't even began writing anything and I can feel the darts being thrown my way, the neck rolls and the WTFs being thrown at me. And, why is that? It's because the idea, the notion, of a black woman, especially one who is beautiful, educated and got it going on needing a man is preposterous  by all accounts. Look at the picture for example, it depicts a beautiful sister who is poised and clearly educated. It's written all over her face that she doesn't "need a man" but it would be nice to have one. Her statements are contradictory. Now, I get that's a matter of opinion, but the fact remains that most black women (at least the ones I've encountered in my generation) feel this way. But is it right? Who taught us we don't need men? Is it our degrees? Yes, I have two degrees and about to have a third, but those degrees are not my soulmate. Those degrees don't protect me, love me, hold me and treat me like a queen. We as black women, have allowed society to trick us into believing we should and can do everything all on our own. We have fallen into the trap of keeping a good, black man out of the home and our lives because "we don't need a man."

But, what does the Bible say? I'll admit, I've been struggling with the area of submission in my relationship. Mostly because I thought that as long as I cooked, cleaned and never smelled like onion rings, that I was meeting my partner's needs. Boy, was I wrong. I also thought, as long as I was a good girl in public he'd appreciate that as well and know that I was submissive because I knew how to act in the presence of family and friends. But, what about when he says "I don't want you to do this, and I need this from you." (Inserts thinking emoji). But, wait. No, buts about it. A good friend of mine told me, you can't be a power couple, if you are struggling with the source of power. And, he is right. I know I haven't answered my own question about what the Bible says, but I'm getting to that. (Be patient with me). It's okay to not know something. We don't know everything. However, you must be teachable and reachable. We (black women) must be willing to shift our paradigm to accept the blessing we prayed for. That's if you truly want it. I'll admit (because you know how much I love transparency, well you know if you follow my blog) it was hard for me to shift my paradigm from being an independent, single, black woman, to the totally submissive woman my partner needs and deserve. After all, it had been embedded in me for years that an independent woman was a strong woman.  I should desire a man, not need one. And spending years as a single parent doing everything on my own aided and abetted that thinking. It's also the reason why so many good, black women are single and a part of the reason the divorce rates are high. My 16 year old daughter tells me all the time that I'm beautiful, educated and I don't need a man. At this point I'm scared to correct her because I don't want her to think she needs a man before she completes high school. However, I'm going to have an honest conversation with her soon regarding why, we as black women need to change the way we think regarding relationships. Our daughters think as we think and do as we do regarding relationships.

Now, getting to what the Bible says... "you wives ought to submit to your husbands in EVERYTHING. I purposely capitalized everything because it stuck out to me as plain as day when I was reading it. God never half does anything. He didn't want there to be any ambiguity regarding the level of submission a wife should be on. Some people will look at that scripture and consider it to be subjective, however, submission is a critical part of a serious relationship/marriage. But, we'll never get there if don't need our mate.

I can go on and on, and I'll do a part two to this blog on another date, but for now, I hope it helps someone.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

What's So Hard About Being Honest With People?

WARNING: This blog post may display the stereotypical "Angry Black Woman Syndrome."

Now, that I've given you a disclaimer up front, I can proceed with my thoughts. I have a friend who is in a great deal of emotional pain right now because a guy she loves was extremely dishonest with her. She wants answers that she'll probably never get. She keeps asking herself how could she have allowed this to happen? Why did he do this? Why didn't she see it? And so on and so forth. And, to be quite honest, those are all valid questions. However, I just don't understand why it's difficult for people to be honest about their intentions up front? Much to my chagrin, I have also been disappointed with relationships and dating. It has been astounding to say the least, that men who are supposed to be of a mature age are playing games with women and opening another chapter before they close the last one. How fair is that? And, if you are going to do that, at least be up front with the person whom you're bringing into this drama. That way, they can make their own decision to proceed or not. I posted a facebook status about this and someone commented that intentionally causing emotional pain to a person should be against the law; the same as if you physically harm a person you go to jail and face legal consequences. I agree with this. However, if this was the case, we'd probably all have a criminal record at some point in our lives. It's just wrong to use and mistreat a person who genuinely cares for you. I am so upset that my friend is going through this. I've been there and I understand how she feels.

Now, let's address the person whom we lie to the most: OURSELVES. Oftentimes, we can tell when a person is not being truthful with us but we ignore signs, believe their lies when we know what they are saying isn't true and/or choose to be silent. Someone should never be dishonest with us for any reason, but we shouldn't' be dishonest with ourselves also. We fail to protect our hearts by diving heart first in a situation with a person whom we know nothing about. The Bible tells us to protect our hearts for out of it flows the issues of life. We have a responsibility to guard and protect our hearts. When we allow our hearts to be disturbed without being vigiliant with its protection, we cause our peace to be disturbed. It's important we take time to get to know people before we hand over our hearts to them. I understand no matter how much we protect ourselves, we can't always avoid heartbreak. However, we can't love a person into loving us the right way. Maya Angelou said it best "When people show you who they are, believe them."