Friday, October 9, 2015

Being Your Own Worst Enemy

It's Friday night and I'm supposed to be studying and doing homework. This is my last semester of graduate school. And, yes, while I'm super excited about that, I can't do anything I'm supposed to be doing at this moment until I get some of my other thoughts out of my head. There's so much noise going on between my two ears right now, until I hardly know where to begin with this blog. However, y'all bear with me as I proceed to get some of it out. 

Last night I realized something very profound about myself. My overthinking nature has finally caught up to me. I have always been a very risk averse person. The only time I am not is when it comes to going back to school. I will jump into that full throttle. That's because with school, I feel as though I have no other choice, it's now or never, do or die. I now wish I felt that way with everything else in my life. Although, my risk averse, overly cautious nature is the culprit of many bad decisions in my youth. So, now that I'm nearing 40, I'm carefully weighing everything, making sure all the I's are dotted and the T's are crossed before I make a move. And, while I'm doing that, life is steadily passing me by and God Himself is even growing weary of my cautious behavior. Whenever I'm not moving fast enough on instructions He has given me, He pushes me into a 12 foot pool of water and tells me to swim because He is guiding me and has given me a life jacket to not drown ( this last sentence is a metaphor. I hope y'all know that.) 

For me, timing has always been everything. I always feel as though I have to wait until the right time, when things are just right to make a move. And, that is so silly because the time will never be right to do anything. Hello, this is life, right? Murphy's law was designed to make us miserable. But instead of taking the good with the bad, and do what I want to do and make cupcakes, I'm still waiting for the good to mix with the great so I can bake a strawberry cake. ( Did y'all like that? My attempt at humor to dry some tears.)

So, let me give y'all the good, messed up part of what I call my illogical fallacy way of thinking. I met a guy who was/is totally awesome sauce by the way, but the setting wasn't perfect, the timing sucked due to circumstance, and whatever other excuses I made up in my mind to sabotage it, When, the two most important factors for me existed and I overlooked them: He has a great relationship with God ( not a fake one) and he totally LOVED me. Yes, I said loved in all caps in its past tense because it's not there anymore. We live in two different states and I allowed that in itself to come in between us. It's not like we lived on two different continents. But, I over thought the situation entirely way too much. And guess what now.... WAIT FOR IT.... When I realized I was so happy with him ( even with us being in two different states) I tried to do something about it, but IT'S TOO LATE. He has moved on and in love with someone else. And guess who's stuck licking her wounds, and nursing a broken heart and bruised ego? That would be me. But I have no one to blame but myself. All of the reasons I told myself why I couldn't be with him, I don't even  care about anymore. But, like I said, it's too late. He is happy and over me. The kiss of death was when he professed his love for his new lady and told me I'm a wonderful lady, yada, yada, yada... I had never felt so rejected and abandoned in all of my life. And believe me, I've felt that way before, but not like this.  However, as for me, (inserts sarcasm) well I still have my career, my education, my kids ( who are growing up and some are grown) and.. there is no and. That's it. Don't get me wrong, all of those are wonderful to me and give me great joy, but I got in my way, when I could have had more. But, I'm glad for the lessons that God has been showing me through all of this. It's just like God to teach me in order to reach me. 

I never realized before how much I was holding myself back from true happiness. I don't just mean with a guy, it's everything, I will talk about a vacation all day and night long, but will be afraid to go if I don't have just the right amount of money. It's good to be a planner, I just don't want to get to a point where I'm over analyzing everything. Being a great analytical thinker has gotten me far in my career, however, it has been hindering me in my personal life. 

The point I'm making is don't get caught up in the trap of over thinking and being too risk averse, you just may miss out on something wonderful. Another Mac lesson learned.