Why Am I Not The Parent My Mom Was?

Last night my 16 year old daughter came into my room and said she wanted to talk with me about something. Of course I obliged her because anytime your kid actually wants to talk with you, you immediately stop doing the 12 tasks you were doing simultaneously and give her your undivided attention. She was on a mission to stay home from school the next day. Let me tell y'all, my kid had a speech, a presentation and supporting documents all prepared to present her case to me. She was talking so fast, she got out all 6000 words in one breath. I'm laughing hysterically at what is taking place in my bedroom. She is saying mom, please stop laughing. She actually had a text message on her phone from one of her teachers saying there would not be anything going on in her classroom tomorrow and she'll only be checking folders if any student had not turned theirs in. I'm sitting in my bed amazed at how well she presented her case to me. ( She is going to make a great lawyer). She says, please mom let me stay home tomorrow. I said, I need to ponder and pray about it. She says, I will ask you again at 6:30 in the morning. Needless to say, she won because I did allow her to stay home.

The whole time she was presenting her case to me, I'm thinking, my mom would not even listen to any foolishness like this when I was 16. More so, I knew better than to ask. So, my next question to myself was, Why am I not the parent my mom was to me growing up? Don't misunderstand this blog, I'm not discrediting my parental skills, however, I can admit at times, I am way more accommodating to my children than my parents were to me. I think part of it is the guilt from being a single parent. We try to make up for things here and there when we can. Another part of it is, I am tired, and you caught me at the right moment. My mom investigated everything when I was growing up. A big difference with me and my mom is I have way more responsibility as a parent. My mother had more time to investigate during certain phases of my life when she was a stay at home mom. I'm a  mom among many other titles so I try to give my girls a little bit more leeway than I was given. Although they accuse me of being overly strict.

I do think my kids and many others have a more relaxed life than what I had and their parents for that matter. Kids today are the most spoiled children with a strong sense of entitlement I've ever seen. But to some degree that's our fault as parents. I can own that. I have good kids, don't get me wrong but the things I have to stay on them about like chores, my mother never had to stay on me about. I can remember if I didn't clean the kitchen at night, my mother would wake me up out of my sleep to clean it. That was rough. My girls have gone to bed without doing chores and I never wake them up out of their sleep to do them. I will assert punishments where it hurts; such as removing electronics from their possession. For my 16 year old, this tactic  works wonders.   The problem with some of us parents is that we want our kids to have it way easier than we did. But we are ruining them in some ways. It's okay to give them a great life, but every now and again, some old school parenting will not hurt them.

I'm Not Your Daddy

I have realized something within the last two weeks. Father's Day is the most controversial holiday on social media I've ever seen. For the last two weeks leading up to Father's Day my social media friends and associates had been posting memes and making statuses bashing single mothers and anyone who wants to celebrate a single mom on Father's Day. I mean it was just down right vicious. And, I have to be honest, I've only seen this behavior in the black community. I mean honestly, I think some people may have a better chance at getting along with an atheist on Christmas Day than they would at getting along with social media on Father's Day.

It's no secret that I am a single mom with four girls ( Yes, I'm still single). I have been a mom ever since I was 17 years old. For a long time I identified myself as both mom and dad on Father's Day. That's because it was so hard, and difficult and I was frustrated a lot and at times angry. I thought I was both mom and dad, not just on Father's Day but every day of the year. And, for total transparency, it was just only a few years ago when I stopped feeling that way. It's not because the social media community made me do so. It's because I have evolved and grown. I've let go of that past anger, and bitterness. Although, I'm at a different place in my life spiritually, mentally and emotionally doesn't mean I am upset at anyone who chooses to celebrate a single mom on Father's Day nor am I mad at any single mom who chooses to celebrate herself. I still get the Happy Father's Day texts from people who are close to me who have witnessed my struggles and pain. I don't expect nor desire anything on Father's Day. And believe me there has been some hurt and pain there from childhood to adulthood, but guess what? Now it's all good. One of my daughters sent me a meme via text the other day that said... when your mom isn't rich but she still makes stuff happen. And she added a note thanking me for everything I do for her and her sisters. I was so moved at that lovely sentiment. I didn't feel like I should be celebrated on Father's Day or repost it on Father's Day as a tribute to single motherhood.

Most of the bashing I've seen from people over the course of the past two weeks have been from men and women who do not know what it's like to be a single mom. Let me say this, if you have never had to make a dollar out of fifteen cents to feed your kids and yourself, please leave that woman alone. The life of a single mom is something to behold and to be told. And, I know many people will say but she slept with him, she knew he was not about anything when she was with him and much, much more. I understand all of that. However, now it's time to raise the child. You see, a single mom has to go find it when the father says he doesn't have it. And in most cases, he's not trying to look for it. It's that mom's job to make every day life happen, buy school clothes, and make birthdays and Christmas happen. And folks wonder why she hasn't let go of that pain and hurt yet. I say, give her time to heal. That's a pain that doesn't go away overnight. It's a process. Trust me, I know. I have been there and have the T-shirt. Instead of bashing her for likes and retweets, pray for her. Let her know it's okay and God will bless her and her children. There are way more important causes that we as a community can and should wage war over. But, the fact that a single mom wants to celebrate herself on Father's Day shouldn't be one of them. I am not trying to take away anything from the guys on Father's Day. You all deserve your gifts, hugs, kisses, and accolades just as much as moms on Mother's Day.

And ladies, don't fight fire with fire and don't fight satan with satan. Don't be on social media talking trash about your children's father. And it may be true. However, it isn't helping the situation. Put that in God's hands and do what you need to do for your children. And not letting the kids visit their father's (as long as it's a safe situation) is not helping the child either. Kids need so much more than money to survive. Do your best to have a co-parenting relationship with the father. The last thing we all want is for this cycle of children without fathers to continue.

Dear Mr. Black Man

Dear Mr. Black man, whoever she is/was that played you, cursed you out, won't allow you to see your kids, slept with your best friend, refused to cook for you, belittled you in front of your family, and made you feel less than a man, it wasn't me. I wasn't the one who slashed your tires, played with your heart, took your kindness for weakness or forgot to stroke your ego after a long day's work. I didn't kick you when you were down. Why are you punishing me for what she did? Why must I feel your wrath when all I want to do is love you, nurture you,encourage you, lift you up, help you , have your back,  hold you and make you feel like the king that you so rightfully are?

I know some of you are like, Tasha Mac what's really going on? Nothing is going on with me personally, however, I feel as though I must address you ( and by you I am talking to Mr. Black man) because I for one as a black woman am tired of being labeled as trifling, ratchet, mischevious, gold digging, stupid all because you fell for the charms and schemes of one who was all the adjectives I aforementioned and then some. We as black women understand that some of you are drawn to women of other races and cultures. It's 2013 we get it, trust me we do. But what we don't get is why you all are using us a scapegoat behind your reasons for doing it?

Recently someone dear to me brought an article to my attention of my favorite singer Maxwell basically cursing people out because he was being attacked for posting mostly pictures of Caucasian women on his Instagram page. He plainly said ( and I'm paraphrasing here) he didn't give a blankedy, blank blank because he prefers white women. Now keep in mind I did say he is my favorite singer. Whenever I hear him sing, I really think he's singing to me. LOL... And we also share the same birthday. How cool is that? So, yes I was a little disappointed to hear his quote that he prefered Caucasian women. He is still my favorite singer and I adore him as such. His preference is just that. His preference. And tonight one of my ex-twitter followers ( he is ex now because he was just plain rude and disrespectful) tweeted "black women are so dysfunctional. I tipped a hostess at the door and she thought I was hitting on her. WTF." So I tweeted him back and said don't label us all over one ratched lady. OMG, why did I say that because dude said he didn't say all , and I can't think logically and it's because I'm a stupid black woman. Now I really had to stop after about the 2nd time tweeting him because otherwise he and I would probably still be going back and forth and I have better things to tweet. But my point is black women as a whole have to feel the wrath, pain and anquish of a black man caused by one woman. And I say one woman because after they get burned by the first one it's all over for the rest of us.

As a black woman, the things I have dealt with from black men are so hurtful and would probably be considered inconceivable to most. However, I refused in my logical and sound mind believe that ALL of you were that way. I just refused. And I'm so glad I never developed that attitude or I wouldn't be dating the great guy I'm with now. Labels belong on envelopes not on human beings.