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Friday, December 1, 2017

Why Are Black Women Afraid To Need A Man?

I haven't even began writing anything and I can feel the darts being thrown my way, the neck rolls and the WTFs being thrown at me. And, why is that? It's because the idea, the notion, of a black woman, especially one who is beautiful, educated and got it going on needing a man is preposterous  by all accounts. Look at the picture for example, it depicts a beautiful sister who is poised and clearly educated. It's written all over her face that she doesn't "need a man" but it would be nice to have one. Her statements are contradictory. Now, I get that's a matter of opinion, but the fact remains that most black women (at least the ones I've encountered in my generation) feel this way. But is it right? Who taught us we don't need men? Is it our degrees? Yes, I have two degrees and about to have a third, but those degrees are not my soulmate. Those degrees don't protect me, love me, hold me and treat me like a queen. We as black women, have allowed society to trick us into believing we should and can do everything all on our own. We have fallen into the trap of keeping a good, black man out of the home and our lives because "we don't need a man."

But, what does the Bible say? I'll admit, I've been struggling with the area of submission in my relationship. Mostly because I thought that as long as I cooked, cleaned and never smelled like onion rings, that I was meeting my partner's needs. Boy, was I wrong. I also thought, as long as I was a good girl in public he'd appreciate that as well and know that I was submissive because I knew how to act in the presence of family and friends. But, what about when he says "I don't want you to do this, and I need this from you." (Inserts thinking emoji). But, wait. No, buts about it. A good friend of mine told me, you can't be a power couple, if you are struggling with the source of power. And, he is right. I know I haven't answered my own question about what the Bible says, but I'm getting to that. (Be patient with me). It's okay to not know something. We don't know everything. However, you must be teachable and reachable. We (black women) must be willing to shift our paradigm to accept the blessing we prayed for. That's if you truly want it. I'll admit (because you know how much I love transparency, well you know if you follow my blog) it was hard for me to shift my paradigm from being an independent, single, black woman, to the totally submissive woman my partner needs and deserve. After all, it had been embedded in me for years that an independent woman was a strong woman.  I should desire a man, not need one. And spending years as a single parent doing everything on my own aided and abetted that thinking. It's also the reason why so many good, black women are single and a part of the reason the divorce rates are high. My 16 year old daughter tells me all the time that I'm beautiful, educated and I don't need a man. At this point I'm scared to correct her because I don't want her to think she needs a man before she completes high school. However, I'm going to have an honest conversation with her soon regarding why, we as black women need to change the way we think regarding relationships. Our daughters think as we think and do as we do regarding relationships.

Now, getting to what the Bible says... "you wives ought to submit to your husbands in EVERYTHING. I purposely capitalized everything because it stuck out to me as plain as day when I was reading it. God never half does anything. He didn't want there to be any ambiguity regarding the level of submission a wife should be on. Some people will look at that scripture and consider it to be subjective, however, submission is a critical part of a serious relationship/marriage. But, we'll never get there if we don't need our mate.

I can go on and on, and I'll do a part two to this blog on another date, but for now, I hope it helps someone.

2 comments:

  1. Interesting topics! I was referred to this blog by an acquaintance and now clearly understand why! Your previous post addressed issues of honesty and now this one addresses issues black women may have when it comes to needing a "man." Could it be that lack of honesty has anything to do with the fear you refer to?

    Too often, for one reason or another, similar to creatures in the wild, women have been put in positions of being supporters and protectors of themselves and their families due to the man not doing the things he was capable of. Things he was expected to do as a man. As a result, in some cases women have learned that they can independently accomplish a lot and have become comfortable in doing so. Unfortunately, in some cases the men in their lives tend to become envious and silently desire what it is that the woman has been able to accomplish. Control is what he desires, yet "submission" is what he camouflages it as being in need of. I am not referring to all men, just does that fit the description. Rather than admit to their shortcomings or wrong doings, if the relationship ends, many of these same men will go on the prowl, in search of other successful women who hopefully have a certain level of vulnerability. Learning of her past hurts arms him with knowledge of the things he needs to do, as well as those he needs to avoid in order to win her heart.

    Any deeply hidden feelings of inferiority the man may have are able to become more easily masked when he is able to become involved with successful women of particular class or status. He feels pride for now being connected to someone deemed to be valuable...his new partner. He loves the attention he receives for being linked to someone of such status. But, is he an HONEST man? What is HIS truth? Does it lie in the "woe is me" stories about the high maintenance ex wife that did this? Does it lie in his fabricated stories regarding his crazy "bay mother" who supposedly keeps him away from his kids? Or was it that out of all of his exes, no one could get it right? But, the new partner is the woman of his dreams. What now makes him the one? Anyone can change. Right? Was he somewhere waiting for the perfect time for God to send to his new partner who doesn't have a clue?

    Because of their charismatic nature, some men are able to concoct stories so absurd that those closest to him manage to fail to realize that there really are two sides to every story. Because of ties to him, it often is easy to side with and pity this poor soul and, feel resentful towards anyone suspected of having wronged him. Little do they know, he happens to be the reason for the divorce. While he's working to keep a smile on the new woman's face by cooking, cleaning, running her bath water, etc., he constantly berates women of his past. He blames the ex wife for this...He blames the "bay mother" for that. He treats the new partner like a queen, all the while foregoing a relationship with and neglecting the needs and wants of his own kids. You guessed it! It's all someone else's fault! This same man is so resentful towards the women of his past because they know him for who and what he really is! He often wants his new partner to be submissive because he has his own hidden agenda. He wants to benefit from her successes!

    God does want the woman to be submissive to her HUSBAND, not just a man she may find herself partnered with. God also requires the husband to be submissive to HIM! Is he SUBMISSIVE? Rather than deal with selfish, controlling, dishonest little boys pretending to be men, some women are simply choosing to wait for the right "MAN." Your daughter may be on to something!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading and taking the time to provide a response. And also to your mystery acquaintance for directing you to my blog. I must say, your response sounds very personal in nature. I understand your points about the struggles women have had with relationships and being independent. However, I can't help but to say again your response sounds very personal.

      God bless you.

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