I'm Not Your Daddy

I have realized something within the last two weeks. Father's Day is the most controversial holiday on social media I've ever seen. For the last two weeks leading up to Father's Day my social media friends and associates had been posting memes and making statuses bashing single mothers and anyone who wants to celebrate a single mom on Father's Day. I mean it was just down right vicious. And, I have to be honest, I've only seen this behavior in the black community. I mean honestly, I think some people may have a better chance at getting along with an atheist on Christmas Day than they would at getting along with social media on Father's Day.

It's no secret that I am a single mom with four girls ( Yes, I'm still single). I have been a mom ever since I was 17 years old. For a long time I identified myself as both mom and dad on Father's Day. That's because it was so hard, and difficult and I was frustrated a lot and at times angry. I thought I was both mom and dad, not just on Father's Day but every day of the year. And, for total transparency, it was just only a few years ago when I stopped feeling that way. It's not because the social media community made me do so. It's because I have evolved and grown. I've let go of that past anger, and bitterness. Although, I'm at a different place in my life spiritually, mentally and emotionally doesn't mean I am upset at anyone who chooses to celebrate a single mom on Father's Day nor am I mad at any single mom who chooses to celebrate herself. I still get the Happy Father's Day texts from people who are close to me who have witnessed my struggles and pain. I don't expect nor desire anything on Father's Day. And believe me there has been some hurt and pain there from childhood to adulthood, but guess what? Now it's all good. One of my daughters sent me a meme via text the other day that said... when your mom isn't rich but she still makes stuff happen. And she added a note thanking me for everything I do for her and her sisters. I was so moved at that lovely sentiment. I didn't feel like I should be celebrated on Father's Day or repost it on Father's Day as a tribute to single motherhood.

Most of the bashing I've seen from people over the course of the past two weeks have been from men and women who do not know what it's like to be a single mom. Let me say this, if you have never had to make a dollar out of fifteen cents to feed your kids and yourself, please leave that woman alone. The life of a single mom is something to behold and to be told. And, I know many people will say but she slept with him, she knew he was not about anything when she was with him and much, much more. I understand all of that. However, now it's time to raise the child. You see, a single mom has to go find it when the father says he doesn't have it. And in most cases, he's not trying to look for it. It's that mom's job to make every day life happen, buy school clothes, and make birthdays and Christmas happen. And folks wonder why she hasn't let go of that pain and hurt yet. I say, give her time to heal. That's a pain that doesn't go away overnight. It's a process. Trust me, I know. I have been there and have the T-shirt. Instead of bashing her for likes and retweets, pray for her. Let her know it's okay and God will bless her and her children. There are way more important causes that we as a community can and should wage war over. But, the fact that a single mom wants to celebrate herself on Father's Day shouldn't be one of them. I am not trying to take away anything from the guys on Father's Day. You all deserve your gifts, hugs, kisses, and accolades just as much as moms on Mother's Day.

And ladies, don't fight fire with fire and don't fight satan with satan. Don't be on social media talking trash about your children's father. And it may be true. However, it isn't helping the situation. Put that in God's hands and do what you need to do for your children. And not letting the kids visit their father's (as long as it's a safe situation) is not helping the child either. Kids need so much more than money to survive. Do your best to have a co-parenting relationship with the father. The last thing we all want is for this cycle of children without fathers to continue.

Life Lessons from a Macanista: The Real on Being a Teenage Mother

Congratulations! You're going to be a mommy! It sounds so exciting and sweet, doesn't it? Or maybe it doesn't when you're still in high school, or just started college, you either don't have a job or the one you have only pays for your weave, your club entrance fees and your bi-weekly outfit that's on sale at Rainbow. Now some of you may say ouch Tasha Mac, why are you going in like that with this blog? That's because it's time that someone broke down the real deal when it comes to being a teenage mother. Yes, babies are sweet, innocent, precious and they are gifts from God. I truly believe all that. However, babies aren't an ornament that you get to look at and admire, leave on the shelf and say I may buy it later. Babies are living, breathing, human beings that require a lot of financial resources, time and parents who are physically, mentally and emotionally stable to meet their needs 24 hours a day. If you haven't picked it up by now, I know a thing or two, or three when it comes to teenage pregnancy. I am a byproduct and a recipient of it. And if that doesn't convince you that I know something about it, my 19 year old daughter will be giving birth to her daughter any day now. I'm not writing this blog to air my dirty laundry, embarrass my daughter or look for sympathy. What's done is done. However, it's time out for sugar coating, and for girls believing that it can't happen to them and/or their boyfriends love them so well and will stick by their side when the bun starts rising in the oven. I'm not boy-bashing with this blog either. I want young ladies to be quick to open their eyes instead of their legs.

You're pregnant now. What is your plan? Yes, I said your plan. Please don't start off by thinking.... "we're going to get an apartment, I'm going to finish school and get a job." And my personal favorite, we're getting married after high school. It all sounds so laughable to me. Those words flew out of my mouth and so many others' mouths that I know. Like it's just that simple. Let me tell you what's really going to happen...

First of all you are going to be an EMOTIONAL WRECK. You are too young to fully comprehend and process what has happened. What you have allowed yourself to get into. Your mind will flip-flop and you will not make any sound decisions. Trust me I know. If you are with the guy, you will be more concerned about the effects this pregnancy will have on your so-called relationship than what effects it will have on your life, the unborn child or your family who will ultimately be the ones emotionally, mentally and most of all financially supporting you and your child. I know you have heard many success stories about teenage mothers who "made it." Those who "rose above the adversity" went on to earn four degrees, rescued orphans in Haiti, taught a village how to read and write and made pancake breakfasts for underprivileged children on the weekends. And believe me, I'm not discounting anyone's personal triumphs or achievements. The truth of the matter is, I've earned a college degree, have a great job and I'm working on my Master's degree. However, where is the in between in these stories. People talk about the glory without giving you the WHOLE story. No one talks about what all they went through before they got to the promised land of teenage parent after life. And let me give you some more harsh reality. The life of being a teenage mother has a lot of life-long, lingering emotional effects on the teen mother and her children. While you may one day be financially stable, emotional scars are a lot harder to hide and sometimes take even longer to heal.

Single mothers, especially teenage single mothers have to deal with disappointment from family members and often times themselves. And that load can be heavier to carry than the baby growing inside of them. Teenage mothers often don't have money. Especially during the pregnancy, so they constantly have to ask or hope someone has pity on them to give them something or buy them food to satisfy those pregnancy cravings. Meanwhile, oh yes, where is Mr. Loverman, the baby's daddy himself? One day he's with you, the next day he's wishing you would have had that abortion. Because he isn't ready for this life-altering reality. But you're thinking, he's a good guy, he comes from a good home, or he didn't have a father so he wouldn't do that to our child. Honey, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard it or even said it myself, I promise I wouldn't be ironing clothes for work tomorrow. I'd be telling my driver what time to pick me up to drop me off at my yacht. The hard truth is, he isn't carrying the kid, he will not be there for the every two hour feedings, he will not make the decision between shoes for the baby or buying toothpaste for the house. And what about the strain this will have on your family. Even if your family can financially support you and the baby with ease, their life is altered as well. All of a sudden a baby is coming into the home. You have to get to your doctor's appointments, you need care and support. And they are your family so no matter how they feel about what you've done they will be there. But is that fair? No, but we all know life isn't fair. Families do what they must to take care of their own. But trust me, you won't feel good about it. You know you need them and what you've done has not only affected you but them also.

What should you do? PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE. I know young people are going to have sex. I wish everyone would wait until they are married and able. However, I would be stupid and foolish to tell you to practice abstinence and be done with it. You won't have to worry about pregnancy or diseases if you just don't do it. Let's be real here. Your hormones are all over the place and the more your parents and pastors tell you not to do it the more you will. So with that being said, protect yourselves. Birth control, condoms, shots, whatever it takes for you not to have to put yourself through all of the drama I've been talking about. Birth control isn't hard to get. Educate yourself. Talk to someone. Listen this is 2014. We as adults know teenagers are having more sex than they do at the playboy mansion. Let someone know you are trying to be proactive when it comes to your sexual health before you are having a different conversation discussing your due date.


*****Disclaimer*****
This blog is not intended to promote abortion or scare anyone into harming an unborn or living child in ANY WAY , SHAPE, FORM OR FASHION. This blog is only meant to educate and provide information based on my experiences. If  you or someone you know is pregnant, please do not resort to heinous, criminal and inhumane acts to undo a pregnancy. There are plenty of organizations that can and will provide guidance and direction if you are in need of help. 

Am I my Brother's Keeper?

My holiday weekend began last Wednesday. I did something I hadn't done in a very long time which was watch a Lifetime movie. Like most women, I am a Lifetime Movie Network lover. If you know anything about the movies on Lifetime then you know for the most part the movies are based on real life events. I came across the movie " Conviction" starring Hilary Swank. Conviction is the real life story of Betty Anne Waters and her brother Kenny Waters. Kenny was wrongfully convicted ( conviction overturned in 2001) in 1983 for the brutal murder of Katharina Brow in 1980. The real story is the selflessness, dedication, loyalty, faith and courage of Betty Anne. Betty Anne was 29 years old when her brother was arrested and convicted. She was married with two, young boys with only a high school equivalent education when she decided to go to college and eventually law school to become her brother's lawyer and exonerate him for a murder she was sure he didn't commit. Betty Anne's husband didn't support her decision so they split up and her sons grew weary of her not being around as she attended school and worked on her brother's case and they eventually went to live with their father. 

I'm watching this movie and I'm thinking the whole time, this woman has given up everything, her entire life to fight for her brother who may or may not be innocent. It didn't matter what anyone else believed, or said about him or how many times he had been in trouble in the past. What mattered was that she believed in him. I had to wonder if I would have done the same for any of my three brothers, or would anyone I know have done the same for theirs? This woman fought for 18 years to clear her brother and finally in June 2001 Kenny Waters walked out of prison a free man. 

I often think about the relationship my girls will have with one another when they are grown women, with careers and families. Will they talk consistently? Will they always be there for one another? Despite the issues I may have with them being their mother and trying to keep them on the straight and narrow, one thing I can say is they do love each other and they do support each other. They are always defending each other and helping each other with school projects and homework. I always see them talking , ( probably about me) laughing, playing games and watching TV together. It gives me hope that I'm doing something right. However, it isn't like that for a lot of families. I'm not suggesting anyone who has a sibling accused of murder give up their lives, switch careers to become a lawyer and fight to prove their innocence. However, a sibling should be, if not, as close as a best friend to you. Who else can understand when you're pissed off at your parents for not letting you go out after you've brought home a D on a test? It breaks my heart when a parent passes away and siblings start fighting over money and Kmart China before their parent's remains are in the ground. 

I know most of you probably only know the phrase "Am I my brother's keeper" from the movie New Jack City. Being your brother's keeper means they can call you to talk, if they are in need and you can help then you will, it means spending time together and looking out for one another's kids and so much more. My guy and his brother have one of the best sibling relationships I've ever seen. His brother is six years older and lives out of town. However, whenever his brother comes home they are like glue. And when they join forces with their father it's laughs, stories and more importantly lots of love in the room. They also talk consistently checking on one another throughout the week. Your relationships with your siblings are among the very first relationships you will have and develop. It's a foundation for having healthy relationships in romance, with co-workers, friends and in-laws. Are you your brother's keeper?

Daddyless Daugthers

Recently I was watching Iyanla Vazant on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Her show was about Daddyless Daugthers. I was watching and listening to her, Oprah, the panel of black, male guests and the audience comprised of women of all ages, and ethnicity. All the women who spoke each had their own story, their own pain and heartache over being a daddyless daughter. And the ones who didn't speak didn't have to because their anguish was written all over their faces. This one particular young lady stood up and asked a question ( I'm sorry I can't remember her name or the exact question.) She was a young, black woman with 3 kids by 3 different men. She was immediately brought before Iyanla and before I knew it I was in tears for her. She was saying how she tries to overcompensate with her kids to make up for the mistakes she made as a result of being a daddyless daughter. The cycle has repeated itself with her children because they are daddyless kids. ( She has 2 daughters and a son).

I immediately had an epiphany. Daddyless daughters often times raise daddyless daughters themselves. Although I had a stepfather whom I loved dearly even after he and my mom divorced I still considered him my dad but it didn't remove that longing I felt for my biological father. The pain and rejection I felt for years caused me to gravitate towards those who didn't care about me at all. Now I'm a mom raising four beautiful girls but they too are daddyless.

We all know that the first relationship a girl has with a man is with her father. I have always said that promiscuity is procreated when a guy comes a long and shows a girl something she has never seen before. Dads, don't allow a guy to be the first to introduce your daughter to a nice dinner where she can sit down with a knife and fork, or introduce her to shopping sprees, traveling and other nice things of this world. If it's new to her and a guy introduces her to it then she will immediately think she owes him something because no other man has ever treated her special before. Then a cycle will start that spirals out of control with low self-esteem driving that force. That is not what you want for your daughter.

And ladies, life happens. We don't all get Heathcliff Huxtable for a father. It's hurtful and disheartening but we can't allow not having a father be an excuse to make poor choices with dyer, lifelong consequences. It's time to rise above it and show the fathers what they missed out on and can't take credit for. It's time to break generational curses and stereotypes and press forward. And in pressing forward let's forgive. Let's forgive the daddies who weren't there and more importantly let's forgive ourselves.

~Tasha Mac