Some of you may be thinking, are you emotionally unavailable, do you push people away, etc...? No, I'm not and I don't do any of those things. Actually, it's quite the opposite. I want to share who I am and for people to dig deep inside and discover the emotions that I try to sometimes hide. But, I am afraid of exposing myself. It's difficult for me to get close to new people who come into my life. Because of my fear of covered nakedness, it's hard for me to make new friends. And it's sometimes uncomfortable maintaining my close relationships because at some point I do get naked. I can flash my smile, bat my eyelashes, strut in my heels and sit with people and enjoy a nice meal on any given day. And while I'm doing all of this, in my mind I'm wondering, do they see me? I'm mentally trying to hide inside of my skin and keep a barrier between myself and others because the thought of people seeing all the pieces of me is frightening to say the least. Underneath my lip gloss and behind the dimple on my left cheek is fear, pain, shame, exhaustion, and frustration. There's a battle going on inside of me. The battle is between those in the previous sentence and forgiveness, humility, patience, strength, courage, and endurance. They are all on the inside fighting to overcome each other. Why must they fight? And why don't I want you to know that they are there? They are fighting to be with me, to overtake me and so I can choose one or all of them. I don't want to be naked in front of people because in that very moment they may not see me for who I am. And because I am concentrating on them not seeing me, I may forget that I'm a warrior and more than a conqueror. ( I know it may be hard to follow but stay with me). I sometimes forget my own triumphs when I feel as if I'm being exposed. It's easier for me to have a small circle because I don't have to be vulnerable. My guards are made of cast iron being held together by the constant need to protect myself. Covered nakedness as I call it is a frightening concept because it comes with pressure to stay on top, not have a bad day, always be on your game, keep the cape on and wear the S on your chest proudly and daily. I don't want to be exposed because I don't want rejection. I want automatic acceptance and understanding. I retreat inside of myself when I feel people are rejecting me without understanding me or making preconceived notions about me. Sometimes these feelings are justified and sometimes it's the covered nakedness issue. However, I don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out which one is the real deal. I give up before I give in. It's easier and safer that way in my mind. I feel as though I've dodged a bullet. And other times I feel perhaps I missed out on something.
There are parts of me on the inside I am uncomfortable with. There are parts of me I'd rather not know. There are parts of me I thought were gone but they are just on a year-round hibernation. There are parts of me that make me cry. You may now understand why covered nakedness is a struggle. As busy and demanding as my life is, I go with the flow and deal with one situation at a time. I have an approach for just about everything. This blog has given me the courage to work on being free with my clothes on.
Do you have an issue with covered nakedness?