Being Your Own Worst Enemy

It's Friday night and I'm supposed to be studying and doing homework. This is my last semester of graduate school. And, yes, while I'm super excited about that, I can't do anything I'm supposed to be doing at this moment until I get some of my other thoughts out of my head. There's so much noise going on between my two ears right now, until I hardly know where to begin with this blog. However, y'all bear with me as I proceed to get some of it out. 

Last night I realized something very profound about myself. My overthinking nature has finally caught up to me. I have always been a very risk averse person. The only time I am not is when it comes to going back to school. I will jump into that full throttle. That's because with school, I feel as though I have no other choice, it's now or never, do or die. I now wish I felt that way with everything else in my life. Although, my risk averse, overly cautious nature is the culprit of many bad decisions in my youth. So, now that I'm nearing 40, I'm carefully weighing everything, making sure all the I's are dotted and the T's are crossed before I make a move. And, while I'm doing that, life is steadily passing me by and God Himself is even growing weary of my cautious behavior. Whenever I'm not moving fast enough on instructions He has given me, He pushes me into a 12 foot pool of water and tells me to swim because He is guiding me and has given me a life jacket to not drown ( this last sentence is a metaphor. I hope y'all know that.) 

For me, timing has always been everything. I always feel as though I have to wait until the right time, when things are just right to make a move. And, that is so silly because the time will never be right to do anything. Hello, this is life, right? Murphy's law was designed to make us miserable. But instead of taking the good with the bad, and do what I want to do and make cupcakes, I'm still waiting for the good to mix with the great so I can bake a strawberry cake. ( Did y'all like that? My attempt at humor to dry some tears.)

So, let me give y'all the good, messed up part of what I call my illogical fallacy way of thinking. I met a guy who was/is totally awesome sauce by the way, but the setting wasn't perfect, the timing sucked due to circumstance, and whatever other excuses I made up in my mind to sabotage it, When, the two most important factors for me existed and I overlooked them: He has a great relationship with God ( not a fake one) and he totally LOVED me. Yes, I said loved in all caps in its past tense because it's not there anymore. We live in two different states and I allowed that in itself to come in between us. It's not like we lived on two different continents. But, I over thought the situation entirely way too much. And guess what now.... WAIT FOR IT.... When I realized I was so happy with him ( even with us being in two different states) I tried to do something about it, but IT'S TOO LATE. He has moved on and in love with someone else. And guess who's stuck licking her wounds, and nursing a broken heart and bruised ego? That would be me. But I have no one to blame but myself. All of the reasons I told myself why I couldn't be with him, I don't even  care about anymore. But, like I said, it's too late. He is happy and over me. The kiss of death was when he professed his love for his new lady and told me I'm a wonderful lady, yada, yada, yada... I had never felt so rejected and abandoned in all of my life. And believe me, I've felt that way before, but not like this.  However, as for me, (inserts sarcasm) well I still have my career, my education, my kids ( who are growing up and some are grown) and.. there is no and. That's it. Don't get me wrong, all of those are wonderful to me and give me great joy, but I got in my way, when I could have had more. But, I'm glad for the lessons that God has been showing me through all of this. It's just like God to teach me in order to reach me. 

I never realized before how much I was holding myself back from true happiness. I don't just mean with a guy, it's everything, I will talk about a vacation all day and night long, but will be afraid to go if I don't have just the right amount of money. It's good to be a planner, I just don't want to get to a point where I'm over analyzing everything. Being a great analytical thinker has gotten me far in my career, however, it has been hindering me in my personal life. 

The point I'm making is don't get caught up in the trap of over thinking and being too risk averse, you just may miss out on something wonderful. Another Mac lesson learned. 

The Great Debate! Natural Hair versus Relaxed Hair

It's the new great debate: natural hair versus relaxed hair. This new war in the African American community seems to be the new dark skinned versus light skinned. For years, dark skinned women of color versus light skinned women of color was always the driving tool men used to separate African American women when it came to beauty, dating, etc.. Now there is a new culprit that seems to have taken shape as of the last five years. It's the war on hair. Every day I am seeing a status on Facebook from African American men about how us Black women need to "get back to our roots", " we need to accept ourselves as we truly are" and my personal favorite ( with much sarcasm) "non-natural sisters are enslaved in their minds or brainwashed by the slave-masters" because we refuse to conform to their Neanderthal idea of beauty. Please give me a break.

If you haven't guessed it by now, I am a non-natural sister. I relax my hair and I wear it in a jazzy, style. I do not love myself for this reason any less, nor do I think I am any less "natural" than a woman of color who chooses not to relax her hair with chemicals. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of women who do not relax their hair and they are beautiful. The whole debacle with men thinking women who choose to use chemicals in their hair are brainwashed or in some ways "less black" than other women is so ridiculous to me. And to make it even more interesting, the men I see posting their opinions are the so-called, pro-black, power to the people kind of guys. But, how are you for the people when you are a part of the problem? What I mean is, some guys are the first ones to talk about how black women aren't loved, respected and cared for the way we should be. However, you are adding to the list of those who are saying that we are not good enough, and never will be enough for whatever reason. Just because some of us choose to chemically treat our hair does not mean we are any less natural than a woman who decides not to. We are not trying to be like any other race or deny who we are as black women. We simply are doing what we WANT TO DO with our hair that makes us feel good about ourselves. Furthermore, every ounce of pain, pleasure and our purpose has been very natural to us.

Also, most of the guys who are so concerned about what a woman does with her hair are the same ones who are less concerned with their health and taking care of their temples. These same guys who are posting about a woman's hair are the same ones who are offended when someone tells them they should eat healthier and exercise regularly. I understand we all have a preference. I get it. However, the problem comes in when men start saying that a woman doesn't know who she is, or she's conforming and/or confused about herself because she relaxes her hair. It's degrading and very insulting. Guys, please stop with this foolishness over who's more natural and black because of hair. We as black women have enough to deal with as it is. We need y'all to love us, and accept us for who we are. Our minds are strong and we need y'all to help hold us up not try to bend us and we certainly don't need you all trying to pit us against one another. This foolishness is just another tool to divide women and pit them against one another. Help us to come together to be a movement for ourselves, our families, and our communities.

I'm Not Your Daddy

I have realized something within the last two weeks. Father's Day is the most controversial holiday on social media I've ever seen. For the last two weeks leading up to Father's Day my social media friends and associates had been posting memes and making statuses bashing single mothers and anyone who wants to celebrate a single mom on Father's Day. I mean it was just down right vicious. And, I have to be honest, I've only seen this behavior in the black community. I mean honestly, I think some people may have a better chance at getting along with an atheist on Christmas Day than they would at getting along with social media on Father's Day.

It's no secret that I am a single mom with four girls ( Yes, I'm still single). I have been a mom ever since I was 17 years old. For a long time I identified myself as both mom and dad on Father's Day. That's because it was so hard, and difficult and I was frustrated a lot and at times angry. I thought I was both mom and dad, not just on Father's Day but every day of the year. And, for total transparency, it was just only a few years ago when I stopped feeling that way. It's not because the social media community made me do so. It's because I have evolved and grown. I've let go of that past anger, and bitterness. Although, I'm at a different place in my life spiritually, mentally and emotionally doesn't mean I am upset at anyone who chooses to celebrate a single mom on Father's Day nor am I mad at any single mom who chooses to celebrate herself. I still get the Happy Father's Day texts from people who are close to me who have witnessed my struggles and pain. I don't expect nor desire anything on Father's Day. And believe me there has been some hurt and pain there from childhood to adulthood, but guess what? Now it's all good. One of my daughters sent me a meme via text the other day that said... when your mom isn't rich but she still makes stuff happen. And she added a note thanking me for everything I do for her and her sisters. I was so moved at that lovely sentiment. I didn't feel like I should be celebrated on Father's Day or repost it on Father's Day as a tribute to single motherhood.

Most of the bashing I've seen from people over the course of the past two weeks have been from men and women who do not know what it's like to be a single mom. Let me say this, if you have never had to make a dollar out of fifteen cents to feed your kids and yourself, please leave that woman alone. The life of a single mom is something to behold and to be told. And, I know many people will say but she slept with him, she knew he was not about anything when she was with him and much, much more. I understand all of that. However, now it's time to raise the child. You see, a single mom has to go find it when the father says he doesn't have it. And in most cases, he's not trying to look for it. It's that mom's job to make every day life happen, buy school clothes, and make birthdays and Christmas happen. And folks wonder why she hasn't let go of that pain and hurt yet. I say, give her time to heal. That's a pain that doesn't go away overnight. It's a process. Trust me, I know. I have been there and have the T-shirt. Instead of bashing her for likes and retweets, pray for her. Let her know it's okay and God will bless her and her children. There are way more important causes that we as a community can and should wage war over. But, the fact that a single mom wants to celebrate herself on Father's Day shouldn't be one of them. I am not trying to take away anything from the guys on Father's Day. You all deserve your gifts, hugs, kisses, and accolades just as much as moms on Mother's Day.

And ladies, don't fight fire with fire and don't fight satan with satan. Don't be on social media talking trash about your children's father. And it may be true. However, it isn't helping the situation. Put that in God's hands and do what you need to do for your children. And not letting the kids visit their father's (as long as it's a safe situation) is not helping the child either. Kids need so much more than money to survive. Do your best to have a co-parenting relationship with the father. The last thing we all want is for this cycle of children without fathers to continue.