The Great Debate! Natural Hair versus Relaxed Hair

It's the new great debate: natural hair versus relaxed hair. This new war in the African American community seems to be the new dark skinned versus light skinned. For years, dark skinned women of color versus light skinned women of color was always the driving tool men used to separate African American women when it came to beauty, dating, etc.. Now there is a new culprit that seems to have taken shape as of the last five years. It's the war on hair. Every day I am seeing a status on Facebook from African American men about how us Black women need to "get back to our roots", " we need to accept ourselves as we truly are" and my personal favorite ( with much sarcasm) "non-natural sisters are enslaved in their minds or brainwashed by the slave-masters" because we refuse to conform to their Neanderthal idea of beauty. Please give me a break.

If you haven't guessed it by now, I am a non-natural sister. I relax my hair and I wear it in a jazzy, style. I do not love myself for this reason any less, nor do I think I am any less "natural" than a woman of color who chooses not to relax her hair with chemicals. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of women who do not relax their hair and they are beautiful. The whole debacle with men thinking women who choose to use chemicals in their hair are brainwashed or in some ways "less black" than other women is so ridiculous to me. And to make it even more interesting, the men I see posting their opinions are the so-called, pro-black, power to the people kind of guys. But, how are you for the people when you are a part of the problem? What I mean is, some guys are the first ones to talk about how black women aren't loved, respected and cared for the way we should be. However, you are adding to the list of those who are saying that we are not good enough, and never will be enough for whatever reason. Just because some of us choose to chemically treat our hair does not mean we are any less natural than a woman who decides not to. We are not trying to be like any other race or deny who we are as black women. We simply are doing what we WANT TO DO with our hair that makes us feel good about ourselves. Furthermore, every ounce of pain, pleasure and our purpose has been very natural to us.

Also, most of the guys who are so concerned about what a woman does with her hair are the same ones who are less concerned with their health and taking care of their temples. These same guys who are posting about a woman's hair are the same ones who are offended when someone tells them they should eat healthier and exercise regularly. I understand we all have a preference. I get it. However, the problem comes in when men start saying that a woman doesn't know who she is, or she's conforming and/or confused about herself because she relaxes her hair. It's degrading and very insulting. Guys, please stop with this foolishness over who's more natural and black because of hair. We as black women have enough to deal with as it is. We need y'all to love us, and accept us for who we are. Our minds are strong and we need y'all to help hold us up not try to bend us and we certainly don't need you all trying to pit us against one another. This foolishness is just another tool to divide women and pit them against one another. Help us to come together to be a movement for ourselves, our families, and our communities.

I'm Not Your Daddy

I have realized something within the last two weeks. Father's Day is the most controversial holiday on social media I've ever seen. For the last two weeks leading up to Father's Day my social media friends and associates had been posting memes and making statuses bashing single mothers and anyone who wants to celebrate a single mom on Father's Day. I mean it was just down right vicious. And, I have to be honest, I've only seen this behavior in the black community. I mean honestly, I think some people may have a better chance at getting along with an atheist on Christmas Day than they would at getting along with social media on Father's Day.

It's no secret that I am a single mom with four girls ( Yes, I'm still single). I have been a mom ever since I was 17 years old. For a long time I identified myself as both mom and dad on Father's Day. That's because it was so hard, and difficult and I was frustrated a lot and at times angry. I thought I was both mom and dad, not just on Father's Day but every day of the year. And, for total transparency, it was just only a few years ago when I stopped feeling that way. It's not because the social media community made me do so. It's because I have evolved and grown. I've let go of that past anger, and bitterness. Although, I'm at a different place in my life spiritually, mentally and emotionally doesn't mean I am upset at anyone who chooses to celebrate a single mom on Father's Day nor am I mad at any single mom who chooses to celebrate herself. I still get the Happy Father's Day texts from people who are close to me who have witnessed my struggles and pain. I don't expect nor desire anything on Father's Day. And believe me there has been some hurt and pain there from childhood to adulthood, but guess what? Now it's all good. One of my daughters sent me a meme via text the other day that said... when your mom isn't rich but she still makes stuff happen. And she added a note thanking me for everything I do for her and her sisters. I was so moved at that lovely sentiment. I didn't feel like I should be celebrated on Father's Day or repost it on Father's Day as a tribute to single motherhood.

Most of the bashing I've seen from people over the course of the past two weeks have been from men and women who do not know what it's like to be a single mom. Let me say this, if you have never had to make a dollar out of fifteen cents to feed your kids and yourself, please leave that woman alone. The life of a single mom is something to behold and to be told. And, I know many people will say but she slept with him, she knew he was not about anything when she was with him and much, much more. I understand all of that. However, now it's time to raise the child. You see, a single mom has to go find it when the father says he doesn't have it. And in most cases, he's not trying to look for it. It's that mom's job to make every day life happen, buy school clothes, and make birthdays and Christmas happen. And folks wonder why she hasn't let go of that pain and hurt yet. I say, give her time to heal. That's a pain that doesn't go away overnight. It's a process. Trust me, I know. I have been there and have the T-shirt. Instead of bashing her for likes and retweets, pray for her. Let her know it's okay and God will bless her and her children. There are way more important causes that we as a community can and should wage war over. But, the fact that a single mom wants to celebrate herself on Father's Day shouldn't be one of them. I am not trying to take away anything from the guys on Father's Day. You all deserve your gifts, hugs, kisses, and accolades just as much as moms on Mother's Day.

And ladies, don't fight fire with fire and don't fight satan with satan. Don't be on social media talking trash about your children's father. And it may be true. However, it isn't helping the situation. Put that in God's hands and do what you need to do for your children. And not letting the kids visit their father's (as long as it's a safe situation) is not helping the child either. Kids need so much more than money to survive. Do your best to have a co-parenting relationship with the father. The last thing we all want is for this cycle of children without fathers to continue.

Dear Mr. Black Man

Dear Mr. Black man, whoever she is/was that played you, cursed you out, won't allow you to see your kids, slept with your best friend, refused to cook for you, belittled you in front of your family, and made you feel less than a man, it wasn't me. I wasn't the one who slashed your tires, played with your heart, took your kindness for weakness or forgot to stroke your ego after a long day's work. I didn't kick you when you were down. Why are you punishing me for what she did? Why must I feel your wrath when all I want to do is love you, nurture you,encourage you, lift you up, help you , have your back,  hold you and make you feel like the king that you so rightfully are?

I know some of you are like, Tasha Mac what's really going on? Nothing is going on with me personally, however, I feel as though I must address you ( and by you I am talking to Mr. Black man) because I for one as a black woman am tired of being labeled as trifling, ratchet, mischevious, gold digging, stupid all because you fell for the charms and schemes of one who was all the adjectives I aforementioned and then some. We as black women understand that some of you are drawn to women of other races and cultures. It's 2013 we get it, trust me we do. But what we don't get is why you all are using us a scapegoat behind your reasons for doing it?

Recently someone dear to me brought an article to my attention of my favorite singer Maxwell basically cursing people out because he was being attacked for posting mostly pictures of Caucasian women on his Instagram page. He plainly said ( and I'm paraphrasing here) he didn't give a blankedy, blank blank because he prefers white women. Now keep in mind I did say he is my favorite singer. Whenever I hear him sing, I really think he's singing to me. LOL... And we also share the same birthday. How cool is that? So, yes I was a little disappointed to hear his quote that he prefered Caucasian women. He is still my favorite singer and I adore him as such. His preference is just that. His preference. And tonight one of my ex-twitter followers ( he is ex now because he was just plain rude and disrespectful) tweeted "black women are so dysfunctional. I tipped a hostess at the door and she thought I was hitting on her. WTF." So I tweeted him back and said don't label us all over one ratched lady. OMG, why did I say that because dude said he didn't say all , and I can't think logically and it's because I'm a stupid black woman. Now I really had to stop after about the 2nd time tweeting him because otherwise he and I would probably still be going back and forth and I have better things to tweet. But my point is black women as a whole have to feel the wrath, pain and anquish of a black man caused by one woman. And I say one woman because after they get burned by the first one it's all over for the rest of us.

As a black woman, the things I have dealt with from black men are so hurtful and would probably be considered inconceivable to most. However, I refused in my logical and sound mind believe that ALL of you were that way. I just refused. And I'm so glad I never developed that attitude or I wouldn't be dating the great guy I'm with now. Labels belong on envelopes not on human beings.