How to Survive Being an Adult Living in Someone's Home

Have you ever heard the saying, " You can't be a woman in another woman's house?" Basically, you aren't an adult if you're a tenant in another adult's home. I've been on both sides of this spectrum. I know by having been there, that sometimes situations occur and you may find yourself left with no other choice than to take up residence with someone. It beats being homeless, or staying in an abusive situation. In my case, I've been a tenant with my children in someone's home which made the situation much more tedious and intense. If you've been in this situation or, you're currently in it right now, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has or will need help at some point in their lives. However the goal is not to become a permanent resident. Unless you and the other person have come to that agreement. There are ways to survive being an adult during this time of transition.

DO: The first thing you want to do probably before you unpack your clothes, and put your toothbrush in the bathroom is HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY. It is imperative that you have a plan that includes a timetable, stable employment and a permanent address. While you're getting all comfy and settling in, the people who have opened up their home to you are saying to themselves, " don't get too comfy because you need to figure out what you're going to do." Whether they say it to your face or not, believe me they are thinking it. You need to write down your plan and how you are going to execute it. The timetable is the most important part of the plan. You need to let people know when you are planning on leaving. Depending on your situation ( especially if you have a job) the timetable may be one to three months. If you're unemployed it could be a little longer. However, you shouldn't move in on New Year's Day and plan on staying until Halloween. That's unrealistic and usually around the three month mark is when people start looking at you crazy and every time you sneeze after three months it starts to irk the piss out of them.

 

DO: It is extremely important that you COMMUNICATE with the people with whom you're living with. When you're living with someone this element is key to your survival. Let people know the moves you are making. Discuss every job interview you have, how did it go, when you expect to hear something back, etc. Talk to them about the connections you've made to valuable resources such as housing assistance, employment services and job fairs. People are looking to see what you are doing to help yourself get out of the situation you're in. And besides from all of the above, don't forget the basics; good manners. Make sure you say good morning to all of the occupants of the home and good night. If company so happens to come over, be prepared for them to look at you like you're a pathetic, freeloader. It's okay. Suck it up and make sure you speak to them too. If your landlord detects any hostility with you, any of the other occupants of the home and their family or friends, then it will make your stay more difficult.

DO: SHARE whatever financial resources you have to contribute to the household. This also goes along with communication. For the most part people will understand that you are not living with them to pay all of their bills. However, let the owners or persons in charge of the household know what you have and together y'all both can decide what is fair for you to contribute.



DON'T:  Go on SHOPPING SPREES, PUT YOUR NAME ON FOOD IN THE REFRIGERATOR AND INVITE YOUR MAN OR WOMAN OVER. I bundled these all together to save time and space and also to let you know that these are huge no, no's. First of all you're living in someone's home so you don't have any discretionary income. If you aren't buying a blouse on sale for a big interview tomorrow, then you don't need it. And furthermore, whenever bags are entering the home there had better be something in there that contributes to the household in some way. Whatever you bring into the home and place in a community property area such as the refrigerator is not necessarily yours anymore. The best thing to do is get enough for all or leave it where it is if you don't want to share it. Don't ever invite your your man or woman over to someone's home you're living in. What do you think they are thinking? People are fickle about this sort of behavior. If you can have a relationship then you should have your own place. Remember you are being watched. And people, while they may empathize with your situation if they feel they are being taken advantage of will put you out.

DON'T: My last piece of advice for this situation is whatever you do, DON'T MAKE EXCUSES. People do not want to hear you didn't go job hunting because you didn't have a ride. If you don't have a ride, you better use public transportation or walk. This is not the time for the pity party you like to have twice per week. You can resume that once you're stable with a permanent address. I've heard people use all kinds of excuses as to why they aren't helping themselves such as; it was raining, I didn't have a ride, or using the death of a loved one as an excuse to not do better. Excuses will only bring about contention and resentment in the household. And it could also put you back into the same situation. You don't have time for excuses. The goal is to do better for yourself and whomever you're responsible for.

There's so much more I can add to this but I'll save it for another day. I see a lot of young people who are existing in this so-called YOLO world living with their parents, their friends, older siblings, baby daddy's cousin on their grandma side who feel it's okay to freeload off others because they share DNA or a kid or they went to school together. Newsflash, once you're an adult no one owes you anything. It's time to grow up and make a way for yourself. However, if you do find yourself on hard times and need help it's okay just have a plan and be proactive with it.

What my daughters don't understand

If you've read my bio or a couple of my other blogs then you know I am a single mom with four daughters. My girls are ages 18,16,13 and 12. And this is the reason why I told my hairstylist tonight as she was styling my hair that I am going to start dying it twice per month instead of once. Needless to say a lot goes on raising girls in a world of social media, iPhones, iPads, peer pressure that has heightened times 1000 since the 90's and reality TV. In my day I did it all; lying, bad attitude, making excuses, you name it. And while most would say that as I experience trials and tribulations raising my girls that I am just "getting it all back". I may agree with them on some level but I would say, that was then and this is now.

A few months ago I updated a Facebook status asking my friends what advice would they give to their younger selves? I have plenty I would say to younger Tasha Mac. I would warn her of all the heartache and pain she will experience if she takes this path, go this route and get with this person. In reality this is not an option. I understand that all of those experiences and life lessons polished me like sandpaper to be the woman I am today. Yet and still if I could have taken a different route to become the woman I am, no doubt I would have. So instead I try to impart my wisdom, experiences and life lessons on my daughters so they can avoid some of the pitfalls I made and make wiser, smarter choices to become virtuous, phenomenal, young women.

What they don't understand is that I've been there. I've used the excuse "my daddy wasn't there, my mom isn't listening, nobody understands me, I had a messed up childhood." I've used all of these phrases and then some for bad behavior that led to poor decision making, hard knocks, and slow progression. I had issues as a teenager and some of it was low self-esteem and a desire to wanna be loved and understood. As I got older I  realized there was no one to blame and hold accountable but myself for the decisions I made regarding my life.  However, teenagers today have much more contenders to deal with which makes their focus so much harder. They are living in a world where social media has replaced verbal and written communication, kids are more open and forceful with their sexuality, reality TV stars are the new sheros and heroes and single parent homes are at an all time high. I get all of that. And it makes the job of a parent especially a single parent that much harder because we are trying to get through all of that noise to raise well-productive kids into upstanding citizens who are able and capable of obtaining sustainability for themselves.

People close to me often tell me they are proud of me because "I did it. I made it." I always say thank you, and I appreciate that. But it took me 12 years, 4 kids and 2 failed marriages later to earn my college degree, realize my self-worth and reach my full potential. I am very proud of myself for overcoming adversity, stereotypes and obstacles to achieve all of the successes that I have. I just would have much rather stopped, took heed and listened to what someone tried to tell me a long time ago and stayed the course at a much younger age. That's all I am trying to do as a parent is help my girls stay the course and on the right track. It's scary at times and I pray, and cry, and sometimes shout and maybe kick myself mentally. But I am determined to get through to them because I am their mother no matter what.

I do believe experience is the best teacher and I know sometimes we all have to bump our heads to get it on straight again. It's just difficult as a mother to see your beloved daughters fall off track. All I can do is keep praying, give guidance and discipline where necessary.

I Need Me Too

Being a mom of four girls in this day and age is not an easy feat. Add being single, having a full-time job, being in a relationship and trying to keep my sanity in tact and you have a true balancing act on your hands. There are days when I feel like Nick Wallenda walking across the Grand Canyon carrying a stick on a tight rope. Except my stick are all the hats I aforementioned and that tight rope is a string of my emotions, my stability and sanity holding on trying not to break. When you're silently wearing a cape, and an S on your chest, you really don't have time to allow your emotions to run a muck or as the young people say these days "get in your feelings."

So what do you do when you are on teenage drama overload, burned out on mommy can I haves, 25 emails you have to answer and provide information on in the next 30 minutes and a relationship you're trying to maintain?

The important thing to realize is that you still have to fit YOU into the equation. If you do not add YOURSELF on your to do list then you will be done for and burned out. Every task doesn't have to be a race to the finish line. It took me a long time to realize that I am just as important to myself as all the people
I've committed myself to. Sometimes I have a relapse by forgetting that and I'm reminded of it with headaches, tension in my shoulders and the occasional crying spell.

It would be nice to balance yourself by jumping in a taxi cab, packing a bag and getting away fast. ( Kindred the Family Soul lyrics). But let's be realistic you can't do it everyday and not every week for that matter. However, all isn't lost just because viewing the country while driving on cruise control listening to your favorite music in 75 degree weather isn't an option. It doesn't take much to balance yourself throughout the day and put your mind at ease. I've found that a few minutes with my hobbies does wonders for me. Stealing away 10 minutes to look through your favorite magazine, play an online or app game or even checking your social networking account a few times a day can get your creative juices flowing again. Walking and exercising is just as relaxing for the mind as it is good for the body. And of course a few minutes of prayer and/or reading a few bible scriptures will do a world of good.  And during the most crucial pressure points of the day it's best to back away from what's causing you duress.

One of my favorite things to do is cook. I really enjoy it and I consider myself a pretty decent cook. But there are days when a full course meal is not a part of my agenda for the evening. I use to feel bad if I didn't cook a meal for my girls but I have learned that the objective is to make sure they eat not to emulate Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray everyday. The people in our lives appreciate a happy, well-balanced, emotionally stable us. Not someone who is running around like a chicken with their head cut off ready to pluck at any moment.  A virtuous woman knows her limits and is not afraid to say when she needs a time out. So before you emotionally tap out, or physically snap out and someone finds you in a corner balled up in a fetal position make time for yourself, put you first and the rest of the day you'll be shining bright like a diamond.